Survival Guide to the Holidays with your Long, Lost Relatives

“Peace on earth, good-will to men (and women).” That may have been all well and good for H. W. Longfellow but H.W. didn’t have to survive a 4-day holiday weekend with your relatives. You know, all those folks you see once a year who reinforce your suspicions that you must have been adopted. My advice, suck it up whilst wafting a healthy portion of Wassail. Make it fun. Inject fun foreign phrases into a fatuous colloquy with the likes of Uncle Bob and Cousin Feather. The following is just a sample of the fun you can have.

“Another Christmas at Grandpa Gorp’s. Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch’entrate.”

To your bum of a brother-in-law: “Entre nous, celebrations tout ensemble are a trial. The contretemps between Spiro and my sister-in-law Flo was a mauvais quart d’heure. Spiro’s such a flâneur! I always say timeo Danaos et dona ferentes. From the look of the presents they give I believe his wife shops mont-de-piétés.”

To your brother Oscar: “As for sister Sue’s offspring sauve qui peut! Children do not feature in my Weltanschauung. In nuce I say oderint dum metuant. Jane tried to foist that dooly diaper-full on me at lunch. Noli me tangere.”

To your cousin Geoffrey: “Did you get a load of Winston’s latest fiancé? The décolletage! That femme fatale is really embonpoint. As for how long his romance will last, les jeux sont faits. Winston’s such a soi-disant bon vivant. Of course, it’s not for us to judge. Chacun à son gout.”

To your Mom: “That salon de refuses Marcia brought home for the Saturnalia festivities are hic et ubique. I think the tall, dour one is nothing less than a anguis in herba. It is 'infra dig' pour passer le temps with such a canaille. As the years pass Marcia goes de pis en pis. She treats Grandpa Gorp’s home like a maison de santé for her friends.”

To all: “Ah well, it’s always charmant to toast a votre santé. Vive la bagatelle! As for myself, dum spiro, spero. Joyeux Noël. Phagomen kai piomen, aurion gar thanoumetha.”

Sprinkle those bon mots early and often and I guarantee you'll find H. W.'s 'Peace'. Good will is not all it's cracked up to be anyway.

Happy looking it all up…