Happy Christmas to all...

No matter where you spend the holidays, best wishes for a Happy New Year.  Here's a Christmas poem that you may not know. Think of those away from home and those left behind on the dark days of this season of light.

Christmas at Sea

By Robert Louis Stevenson

The sheets were frozen hard, and they cut the naked hand;

The decks were like a slide, where a seaman scarce could stand;

The wind was a nor’wester, blowing squally off the sea;

And cliffs and spouting breakers were the only things a-lee.

They heard the surf a-roaring before the break of day;

But ‘twas only with the peep of light we saw how ill we lay.

We tumbled every hand on deck instanter, with a shout,

And we gave her the maintops’l, and stood by to go about.

All day we tacked and tacked between the South Head and the North;

All day we hauled the frozen sheets, and got no further forth;

All day as cold as charity, in bitter pain and dread,

For very life and nature we tacked from head to head.

We gave the South a wider berth, for there the tide-race roared;

But every tack we made we bought the North Head close aboard.

So’s we saw the cliff and houses, and the breakers running high,

And the coastguard in his garden, with his glass against his eye.

The frost was on the village roofs and white as ocean foam;

The good red fires were burning bright in every ‘longshore home;

The windows sparkled clear, and the chimneys volleyed out;

And I vow we sniffed the victuals as the vessel went about.

The bells upon the church were rung with a mighty jovial cheer;

For it’s just that I should tell you how (of all days in the year)

This day of our adversity was blessed Christmas morn,

And the house above the coastguard’s was the house where I was born.

O well I saw the pleasant room, the pleasant faces there,

My mother’s silver spectacles, my father’s silver hair;

And well I saw the firelight, like a flight of homely elves,

Go dancing round the china plates that stand upon the shelves.

And well I knew the talk they had, the talk that was of me,

Of the shadow on the household and the son that went to sea;

And O the wicked fool I seemed, in every kind of way,

To be here and hauling frozen ropes on blessed Christmas Day.

They lit the high sea-light, and the dark began to fall.

‘All hands to loose topgallant sails,’ I heard the captain call.

‘By the Lord, she’ll never stand it,’ our first mate, Jackson, cried.

…’It’s the one way or the other, Mr Jackson,” he replied.

She staggered to her bearings, but the sails were new and good,

And the ship smelt up to windward just as though she understood.

As the winter’s day was ending in the entry of the night,

We cleared the weary headland, and passed below the light.

And they heaved a mighty breath, every soul on board but me,

As they saw her nose again pointing handsome out to sea;

But all that I could think of, in the darkness and the cold,

Was just that I was leaving home and my folks were growing old.

"A Contraction of Fifteen Facial Muscles"

In an amazing twenty-three page disquisition on humor Arthur Koestler discusses the components of laughter. [See The Treasury of the Encyclopaedia Britannica edited by Clifton Fadiman, NY: Viking Penguin, c 1992.] Laughter is a complex motor reflex produced by the “coordinated contraction of fifteen facial muscles in a pattern interrupted with breathing.”

When confronted with two logical, but incompatible, concepts a tension emerges while the brain tries to accommodate both. The sudden transfer of a train of thought from one context to another produces a mental jolt that needs to be safely discharged. Emotions are not as easily “stopped on a dime” as thoughts. When a “punch line” unexpectedly severs the logical structure the mind is constructing the laughter that follows acts as a safety valve to discharge the emotional tension that was building.  This emotional release is accomplished through the physiological contraction of fifteen facial muscles.

However, there is more.  Koestler writes, “Emotion discharged in laughter is aggression robbed of its purpose.”  Humor MUST contain some degree of aggression, or its cousin, apprehension.  Laughter is the socially acceptable way to vent our suppressed emotions—as opposed to punching someone out.  The bottom line?  Aggression exists; humor keeps it civil. 

Feeling tense? Holiday tasks overwhelming? Home and work out of balance? Still can’t log on to the ACA website? Getting adjusted to cold weather and short sunlit days? End of year budget reports due?  Whatever your situation take time to laugh. It’s healthy.  Here are a few jokes to help contract those fifteen facial muscles while releasing all the holiday’s aggression.

For Writers, Teachers, English majors and Librarians:

+ A screenwriter comes home from his day at the film studio to find his house in ashes and his wife hysterical.  The wife cries, “I don’t know what happened. I was cooking and the phone rang.  It was your agent. I didn’t notice that the curtains over the stove caught fire. Everything was gone in minutes!  I barely got out of the house in time; the cat is missing…” “Wait a minute,” the screenwriter says.  “My agent called?”

            + Let’s eat Grandma.  Let’s eat, Grandma.  Commas save lives. *

            + i before e except when eight feisty neighbors seize a surfeit of weighty heifers *

            + I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. *

            + On the first day of school the teacher writes this on the Smartboard:  Listen and Silent have exactly the same letters.  Coincidence?

            + Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

            + You’re a teacher: 1) If you believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card; 2) You feel the urge to correct the grammar of total strangers in a grocery checkout line; 3) You’re certain that horrible things will happen if anyone remarks on how quiet the students are this morning; 4) You do not mean the food group when speaking of vegetables; 5) You encourage troublesome parents to consider home schooling.

            + A high school math teacher’s enthusiasm for teaching pre-calculus varies inversely with the likelihood of her having to do it.

            + Excuses a math teacher WILL accept for not doing your homework: 1) I accidentally divided by zero and my homework burst into flames; 2) It was Leonhard Euler’s birthday; 3) I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee and spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which one to dunk; 4) I put my homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it.

            + The TSA announced that today a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a plane while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According to the FBI the teacher is believed to have ties to the Al Jebra network that are known to solve problems with the help of radicals.  The teacher has been charged with carrying the weapons of math instruction.

+ Patron to librarian: What’s your favorite joke?

               Librarian:  My salary.

+ What’s the difference between a large pizza and a librarian?  The pizza can feed a family of four.

+ Patron: Do you know how many librarians it takes to change a light bulb?

             Librarian:  No, but I can look it up for you on the Internet.

             Librarian:  What color is the light bulb?

             Librarian:  None. Librarians do not change light bulbs. It’s not professional work!

             Librarian:  Change?

            + A Scots gentleman approached the reference desk.  “I want to check out a wee book aboot suicide.  Where do ye keep ‘em, lassie?”  The librarian answers curtly, “I will nae tell ye. Ye’ll no bring it back!”

+ A patron storms up to the children’s department’s reference desk and demands to speak to the head librarian.  “I want all of the Robin Hood books removed from the shelves immediately!” she declares.  “On what grounds are you making this challenge, Madame?” the librarian asks.  The patron replies indignantly, “Too much Saxon violence!

+ Shhh Happens!

For Medical Personnel:

            + What’s the difference between Mother Teresa and a nurse? Mother Teresa only has one God to serve.

            + Three nurses died and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  The first nurse said she wanted to get into heaven.  She said that she had been a trauma nurse and had dealt with all kinds of accidents and illness, keeping patients calm while seeing to their emergencies.  St. Peter checked her record and said, “OK, you’re in.”  The second nurse said that she had been a surgical nurse and wanted to get into heaven too. She said that an operating room nurse had a very stressful job but she always gave her best and, even though sometimes they lost the patient, they always tried hard. St. Peter checked her records and said, “OK, you’re in too.”  The third nurse declared that she wanted to go to heaven.  She said that she had been the nursing case manager at an HMO, deciding what sort of treatment was covered.  St. Peter checked her record and, after several minutes, said, “Congratulations!  You’ve been admitted to heaven…for 4 days.”

            + Newspaper Advertisement:  Doctors Ponce Day-Leon and Beau Toxx announce the opening of their plastic surgery practice:  Tuck Everlasting, LLC.  Wrinkled patients welcome.

+ A car skidded on icy pavement and hit a utility pole.  Several bystanders rushed to help the driver.  A woman was the first to reach the victim but a man pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady. I’ve had First Aid.”  The woman watched him for a few minutes and then tapped him on the shoulder.  “Pardon the interruption but, when you get to the part where you call for a doctor, I’m right here.”

            + What is a double-blind study?  Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.

            + Why did the orthopedist laugh when he saw your x-ray?  He thought it was humerus.

            + What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?  The GP treats what you have; the specialist thinks you have what he treats.

            + What’s the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?  If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it will probably stop whining.

            + How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

                1. None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

                2. Let’s imagine what would be the worst thing to happen if the bulb didn’t change.

                3.  Just one, but the bulb really has to want to change.

            + How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?

2.      One, but I must consult the DSM-V to code it properly first.

3.      One.  I think that six visits should do the job.

+ Neurotics build castles in the sky.  Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

+ Psychiatrist to patient:  I want you to relax and clear your mind. Then I will say a word and I want you to answer with the first thing that comes into your mind. OK?

    Patient:  I don’t think that will work, doctor.

    Psychiatrist:  Why do you say that?

    Patient:  Because “Paris” does not come to mind.  {Note:  This is considered the premier psychiatrist joke by psychiatrists.  Go figure.}

For Scientists, Mathematicians, and other Math Types:

+ You know you are talking to a chemist when: 1) She pronounces “unionized” in four syllables; 2) He washes his hands before using the bathroom; 3) She thinks that fresh air smells funny; 4) He knows how to completely dissolve the bodies of his enemies.

            + When a chemist dies you should Ba.

            + Definition of “chemical”:  A substance that 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) An analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) A physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) A biochemist turns into a helix; and 5) A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

            + What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?  Never lick the spoon.

            + If Einstein had been a woman – Energy would equal milk chocolate square.

            + When considering the behavior of a cannon, a mathematician will try to calculate where the cannonball will land, a physicist will explain how the cannonball got there, and an engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

            +A biologist, statistician, and mathematician are on a photo-safari in Africa.  They stop to scan the horizon of the savannah with high-powered binoculars.  The biologist spots a herd of zebra and, in the middle of the herd, sees a white zebra.  He declares, “A white zebra!  What a fantastic find. We’ll be cited in all the scientific journals for discovering it.” The statistician counters, “It’s not significant. We only know there’s one white zebra.”  The mathematician corrects them both, “We only know there exists a zebra which is white on one side.”

            +Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

            +There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can’t.

            + Computer scientists think there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary math and those who don’t.

            + A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. 

 + A math professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.

 + The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematician is that the introvert mathematician looks at his shoes when speaking to you; the extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.

            + A mathematician believes nothing until it is proven. A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong. A chemist doesn’t care. And a biologist doesn’t understand the question.

               + Biologists think they are biochemists;

                   Biochemists think they are physical chemists;

                   Physical chemists think they are physicists;

                   Physicists think they are gods; and

                   God thinks he is a mathematician.

             + An engineer needs to measure the height of a flag pole with a measuring tape. The tape keeps falling down and the engineer is getting frustrated. A mathematician passes by, asks what’s happening and offers to help.  She removes the pole, places it on the ground and measures it easily. After she leaves the engineer says, “Just like a mathematician! I need to know the height and she gives me the length.”

            + TSA finds a bomb in the carry on luggage of a statistician. The statistician explains, “Statistics show that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1 in a 1000.  The chance of two bombs being on the same plane is 1 in a million.  So I’m really much safer.”

            + Statistics means you never have to say you’re certain.

            + A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an auditor.

            + The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few minutes after she has proved the result—just before someone finds the mistake.

            + The reason that every university and college have mathematics departments is because it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people.

            +Sign over the Mathematics Department door:  Don’t drink and derive.

For the Religious:

            +A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi were discussing the fragility of life and the question arose about their legacy after death.  Each was asked what they would like to hear mourners say as they viewed their remains before burial.  The minister said that he would like to hear mourners say that he had been a Good Shepherd to his flock, a caring member of the community, and a loving husband and father.  The priest said that he’d like to hear people say that he had been a caring pastor, a faithful follower of his religion, and a strong fund raiser.  The rabbi thinks a bit and then he says that he’d like to hear people say, “I think he’s moving!”

            + The Chief Rabbi is visiting with the Pope in Vatican City when the Rabbi sees a gold telephone on the Pontiff’s desk. “Is that what I think it is?” asks the Rabbi.  “Yes,” says the Pope, “It’s the direct line to God.  Do you want to use it?  It is rather expensive.”  The Rabbi says that he does.  After a three minute call, the Pope says, “That will be $3000.”  A year later the Pontiff is visiting the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem.  He spots a gold telephone on the Rabbi’s desk.  “Is that your direct line to God?” he asks.  The Rabbi say that yes it is and that the Pontiff is welcome to use it if he wishes.  After an hour on the phone, the Pope hangs up.  The Rabbi says, “That will be $1.87.”  The Pope is astounded.  “Why is it so inexpensive?” he asks.  The Rabbi answers, “Well here it’s only a local call.”

            + Heaven is where: the police are British; the mechanics are German; the cooks are French; the lovers are Italian; and the whole thing is organized by the Swiss.

+ Hell is where:  the police are German; the mechanics are French; the cooks are British; the lovers are Swiss; and the whole thing is organized by the Italians.

For Lawyers:

            +Lawyers are no joke.

           

* As seen in the 2013 Holiday "Signals" catalog.
Many of the jokes have come from more than one humor website. Most of these are not unique. I have edited or re-written some jokes. A few are original.  For more try searching "profession of your choice" and humor. [e.g.  "chemistry humor"] Enjoy your holiday!

           

   

   

Recommended Irish Tourists Sites

Well it took me long enough to get to part two of my Visit to the Olde Sod.  Sorry but self-discipline is not my strong suit.  Sorry.

The photos I'm including come from some of the nicest tourist sites that we visited in September.  I  thoroughly enjoyed the trip but cannot possibly include everything.  The best part of a trip is often the people and this was no exception.  Our Road Scholar group of twenty-four was exceptional and lots of fun.  Wonderful memories made and shared.

My reunion with cousins meant a great deal to me because I doubt that I shall return to Ireland again.  I hope their children will visit the United States and I can return their warm hospitality, but that is out of my hands.  This will be my most lasting memory.  The Irish are a welcoming and warm people; family connections are as treasured as they were for my grandparents who came to the USA between 1885 and 1904. It was so easy to pick up where we left off during former inter-country visits and phone calls.  It seemed as if we had good craic only yesterday!

So much for the personal. I promised recommendations so here they are. First and foremost are the worth the trip alone book stores.  The Irish are avid readers and book stores abound.  Charlie Byrnes Used Bookstore in Galway was rated one of the top five stores in all of Ireland.  Besides the vast inventory, the staff is very knowledgeable and the service exemplary.  One would expect Dublin to teem with bookstores and the city certainly doesn't disappoint.  My most favorite, terrific, when can I move into bookstore is Hodges Figgis on Dawson in Dublin, a short walk from Trinity College.  Imagine yourself in the USA twenty-five years ago!  Selection, selection, selection.  Quality, quality...well you get the idea.

Best fish chowder ever:  Danny Macs Cafe Bar in Lahinch on the Clare Coast.  The food in Ireland is of good quality and you will be well fed almost everywhere but Danny Macs was extra special.  We also had a marvelous candlelight dinner at Glenabbey a golf resort near Galway, but that was a special arranged for the group. I expect that such a meal on my own would have broken the bank. The famous Irish brown bread is available everywhere. Don't miss it.

Entrance to the Killarney National Park

Hardy Irish Surfers

Third Class Menu from the Titanic

Blacksmith's Shop at Ulster Heritage Park

Modern Weaver demonstrates 19th century techniques

James Joyce bust in St. Stephen's Green

Chester Beatty Library

One of the Bog Men at the National Museum

Part of the Gold Horde at the National Museum

Some of the most memorable tourist attractions include the Killarney National Park.  An expert led tour enhanced the experience of this lovely forest.  Indeed the natural settings in the Killarney and Ring of Kerry area are very beautiful from the" Ladies' View" above one of the lakes to the skelligs offshore on the Ring.  Lahinch, besides having the best fish chowder, boasts surfers!  Take that southern California!

Any visitor to Dublin will have an embarrassment of riches to visit from Trinity to the Medieval City and the exciting Temple Bar pub/traditional music areas. The must see sites include the National Art Gallery and the National Museum where you can view some of the artifacts of Celtic history and appreciate exquisite Irish art.  St. Stephen's Green is a large, well-kept, and relaxing park in the middle of the Dublin tourist area.  It was a favorite haunt of James Joyce whose prep school is nearby.  A lesser known site is the Chester Beatty Library in the Medieval part of the city. This library is known for its manuscripts and illuminated books, interestingly displayed on three floors. The top floor features texts and images from the world's major religions.  The second floor is devoted to special exhibits and the art of the book.  I was thrilled to see copies of Arabic scientific texts written by the scientists I have been studying.  Near the Library is a remembrance garden in honor of those Garda who have died in the course of their duty.  It is a lovely, quiet garden.  Incidentally, the Gallery, Museum, Library and park are always free.

I had not planned to visit Northern Ireland but it was part of the tour.  Our drive across County Tyrone included a stop at the Ulster Heritage Park.  Although it focused on Northern Irish experiences I can honestly say that the park was carefully conceived and planned as well as expertly executed.  Displays include an extensive Titanic exhibit.  The extensive outdoor section of the park is very nicely done too.  One travels through time beginning with life in 18th century Northern Ireland. Re-enactors explain and demonstrate the life and work of this era.  The outdoor park is divided into two sections that reflect life in Northern Ireland and in the New World, separated by a realistic looking passage ship from which visitors embark into the New World.  The homes, schools, stores, and farms of settlers are realistic and informative.  If you go to the North, give it a visit; plan on spending at least two and a half hours.

Have you been to Ireland?  What were your favorite sights?

A Visit to the Old Sod

We have just returned from a fortnight in Ireland, the land of Saints and Scholars, as well as the home of many of our ancestors.  It has been thirteen years since our last visit.  In that time Ireland has joined the European Union, the Celtic Tiger was subdued by the Great Recession, and the population of the island has experienced a great influx of immigrants—from Eastern Europe and Africa. 

In this and the next blog submission I will share our experiences.  Most memorable was a visit with some of my cousins in County Kerry and County Limerick.  Time and schedule did not permit visits with others, nor were we able to see my husband’s family in County Mayo.  The warm friendships we have forged over several decades survive the changes and are stronger than ever.  I am lucky to be “double cousins” with several of my Irish family.  My grandfather’s brother married my grandmother’s sister in Ireland.  An across-the-Atlantic effort to fill in a family genealogy has resulted in a shared enthusiasm and many hours of discussion coupled with hard work. We are making good progress.

Ireland remains the land of Scholars who are universally respected and officially supported.  During our stay we were able to visit a boys’ school and share some time with eager ten-year-olds and their teacher.  It was a church run school, although there are no religious directly involved with teaching or administration, and admission was competitive.

The boys prepared a program about the history and symbols of Ireland as well as a biographical program on Seamus Heaney who died while we were in Ireland.  I was very impressed with the teacher’s classroom control, the courtesy and attention of the boys, and the toughness of the curricula.   The class of about 28 boys included three Africans and two Eastern Europeans.  The church owned schools are not co-educational and all students wear uniforms. 

Students were lively and bright, answering questions in a thorough, charming, respectful, and interesting manner.  They were as passionate about their learning as they were over their sport teams.  The Irish student “does what is expected” and there are few behavior problems.  Although the school had only a few days to prepare the lesson was well planned and presented.  The boys had some questions of their own for the visiting senior citizens.  I’m glad to say that we acquitted ourselves well.

The Irish respect learning and have a deep love of their culture.  I mentioned that Seamus Heaney had died.  Where else would the first five pages of the country’s premier newspaper be devoted to Mr. Heaney, his life and works?  The papers and television were full of tributes to Ireland’s Noble laureate; his funeral was nationally televised.  The entire country mourned his loss. In the August 31-September 1 edition of  The Irish Times Weekend, Fintan O’Toole wrote:

                                “Like all great poets Seamus Heaney was an alchemist.  He turned our

                                disgrace into grace, our petty hatreds into epic generosity…He lacked the

                                arrogance to tell us who we are – much more importantly, he told us WHAT

                                we are.  He reminded us that Ireland is a culture before it is an economy.

                                And in the extraordinary way he bore himself, the dignity and decency and

                                the mellow delight that shone from him, he gave us self-respect…”

Yes, in many ways Ireland has changed. The culture unique to the Irish identity persists, but times are hard today.  The country was one of the first in Europe to be brought to its knees by the Great Recession.  Once again circumstances diminish opportunities for the well-educated, highly motivated Irish young adult who is forced to immigrate to far flung places like Australia.  The United States should capitalize on this talent pool and welcome more of them into the country. They have strong values, a good work ethic, and marketable skills.

The Irish are survivors but a pervasive feeling of despair is seeping into the Irish soul.  This country has survived centuries of subjugation and repression, war, terrorism, and economic deprivation.  They have not forgotten “WHAT they are” through the trials of famine, fight or faith.  However, inclusion in the European Union (EU) is effecting a subtle, yet essential, change in Ireland. More than one Irishman asks how a country that finally overcame more than 800 years of brutal occupation could cavalierly cede much of its sovereignty to the EU. 

There is a cold uniformity and almost automatous acquiescence to the dictates of Brussels and Berlin apparent in Ireland today.  Of course there are economic benefits incumbent upon the Union but with Ireland’s financial collapse ECB imposed Spartan austerity on the country.  It has been a long, painful, and difficult haul, but Ireland has towed the line and is trying to recover. Unfortunately the foreclosures are only just beginning.  Despair over family survival bubbles just below the surface as years of unemployment, underemployment and underwater mortgages begin to boil over.  Many are fearful of what tomorrow will bring—each expecting to be scorched as it evolves.

Immigration into Ireland has not helped the financial situation.  When things were good, people came by the tens of thousands.  Assimilation was slow, but the Irish are a welcoming race and encourage those who wish to make their future in Erin.  Today many immigrants hold the service jobs that were once filled by the Irish.  Some newcomers are gaming the generous social welfare system. However, “Ireland is a culture before it is an economy.”  I imagine that in the future the newcomers and their children will enrich that culture in distinctive ways. After all, “the next great Irish writer may just be a Pole,” writer Maurice Fitzpatrick once noted!

The Irish are survivors, but they do not necessarily flourish.  I fear the culture will not come through today’s troubles unchanged and unscathed.  The modern world is less forgiving than in ages past.  These are good, caring, talented people.  They deserve to maintain the “self-respect” reflected in Mr. Heaney’s art.  

Go Mayo!  In the all-Ireland Gaelic Football Championship game this Sunday.