"A Contraction of Fifteen Facial Muscles"

In an amazing twenty-three page disquisition on humor Arthur Koestler discusses the components of laughter. [See The Treasury of the Encyclopaedia Britannica edited by Clifton Fadiman, NY: Viking Penguin, c 1992.] Laughter is a complex motor reflex produced by the “coordinated contraction of fifteen facial muscles in a pattern interrupted with breathing.”

When confronted with two logical, but incompatible, concepts a tension emerges while the brain tries to accommodate both. The sudden transfer of a train of thought from one context to another produces a mental jolt that needs to be safely discharged. Emotions are not as easily “stopped on a dime” as thoughts. When a “punch line” unexpectedly severs the logical structure the mind is constructing the laughter that follows acts as a safety valve to discharge the emotional tension that was building.  This emotional release is accomplished through the physiological contraction of fifteen facial muscles.

However, there is more.  Koestler writes, “Emotion discharged in laughter is aggression robbed of its purpose.”  Humor MUST contain some degree of aggression, or its cousin, apprehension.  Laughter is the socially acceptable way to vent our suppressed emotions—as opposed to punching someone out.  The bottom line?  Aggression exists; humor keeps it civil. 

Feeling tense? Holiday tasks overwhelming? Home and work out of balance? Still can’t log on to the ACA website? Getting adjusted to cold weather and short sunlit days? End of year budget reports due?  Whatever your situation take time to laugh. It’s healthy.  Here are a few jokes to help contract those fifteen facial muscles while releasing all the holiday’s aggression.

For Writers, Teachers, English majors and Librarians:

+ A screenwriter comes home from his day at the film studio to find his house in ashes and his wife hysterical.  The wife cries, “I don’t know what happened. I was cooking and the phone rang.  It was your agent. I didn’t notice that the curtains over the stove caught fire. Everything was gone in minutes!  I barely got out of the house in time; the cat is missing…” “Wait a minute,” the screenwriter says.  “My agent called?”

            + Let’s eat Grandma.  Let’s eat, Grandma.  Commas save lives. *

            + i before e except when eight feisty neighbors seize a surfeit of weighty heifers *

            + I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. *

            + On the first day of school the teacher writes this on the Smartboard:  Listen and Silent have exactly the same letters.  Coincidence?

            + Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

            + You’re a teacher: 1) If you believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card; 2) You feel the urge to correct the grammar of total strangers in a grocery checkout line; 3) You’re certain that horrible things will happen if anyone remarks on how quiet the students are this morning; 4) You do not mean the food group when speaking of vegetables; 5) You encourage troublesome parents to consider home schooling.

            + A high school math teacher’s enthusiasm for teaching pre-calculus varies inversely with the likelihood of her having to do it.

            + Excuses a math teacher WILL accept for not doing your homework: 1) I accidentally divided by zero and my homework burst into flames; 2) It was Leonhard Euler’s birthday; 3) I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee and spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which one to dunk; 4) I put my homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it.

            + The TSA announced that today a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a plane while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According to the FBI the teacher is believed to have ties to the Al Jebra network that are known to solve problems with the help of radicals.  The teacher has been charged with carrying the weapons of math instruction.

+ Patron to librarian: What’s your favorite joke?

               Librarian:  My salary.

+ What’s the difference between a large pizza and a librarian?  The pizza can feed a family of four.

+ Patron: Do you know how many librarians it takes to change a light bulb?

             Librarian:  No, but I can look it up for you on the Internet.

             Librarian:  What color is the light bulb?

             Librarian:  None. Librarians do not change light bulbs. It’s not professional work!

             Librarian:  Change?

            + A Scots gentleman approached the reference desk.  “I want to check out a wee book aboot suicide.  Where do ye keep ‘em, lassie?”  The librarian answers curtly, “I will nae tell ye. Ye’ll no bring it back!”

+ A patron storms up to the children’s department’s reference desk and demands to speak to the head librarian.  “I want all of the Robin Hood books removed from the shelves immediately!” she declares.  “On what grounds are you making this challenge, Madame?” the librarian asks.  The patron replies indignantly, “Too much Saxon violence!

+ Shhh Happens!

For Medical Personnel:

            + What’s the difference between Mother Teresa and a nurse? Mother Teresa only has one God to serve.

            + Three nurses died and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  The first nurse said she wanted to get into heaven.  She said that she had been a trauma nurse and had dealt with all kinds of accidents and illness, keeping patients calm while seeing to their emergencies.  St. Peter checked her record and said, “OK, you’re in.”  The second nurse said that she had been a surgical nurse and wanted to get into heaven too. She said that an operating room nurse had a very stressful job but she always gave her best and, even though sometimes they lost the patient, they always tried hard. St. Peter checked her records and said, “OK, you’re in too.”  The third nurse declared that she wanted to go to heaven.  She said that she had been the nursing case manager at an HMO, deciding what sort of treatment was covered.  St. Peter checked her record and, after several minutes, said, “Congratulations!  You’ve been admitted to heaven…for 4 days.”

            + Newspaper Advertisement:  Doctors Ponce Day-Leon and Beau Toxx announce the opening of their plastic surgery practice:  Tuck Everlasting, LLC.  Wrinkled patients welcome.

+ A car skidded on icy pavement and hit a utility pole.  Several bystanders rushed to help the driver.  A woman was the first to reach the victim but a man pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady. I’ve had First Aid.”  The woman watched him for a few minutes and then tapped him on the shoulder.  “Pardon the interruption but, when you get to the part where you call for a doctor, I’m right here.”

            + What is a double-blind study?  Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.

            + Why did the orthopedist laugh when he saw your x-ray?  He thought it was humerus.

            + What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?  The GP treats what you have; the specialist thinks you have what he treats.

            + What’s the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?  If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it will probably stop whining.

            + How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

                1. None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.

                2. Let’s imagine what would be the worst thing to happen if the bulb didn’t change.

                3.  Just one, but the bulb really has to want to change.

            + How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1.      Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?

2.      One, but I must consult the DSM-V to code it properly first.

3.      One.  I think that six visits should do the job.

+ Neurotics build castles in the sky.  Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

+ Psychiatrist to patient:  I want you to relax and clear your mind. Then I will say a word and I want you to answer with the first thing that comes into your mind. OK?

    Patient:  I don’t think that will work, doctor.

    Psychiatrist:  Why do you say that?

    Patient:  Because “Paris” does not come to mind.  {Note:  This is considered the premier psychiatrist joke by psychiatrists.  Go figure.}

For Scientists, Mathematicians, and other Math Types:

+ You know you are talking to a chemist when: 1) She pronounces “unionized” in four syllables; 2) He washes his hands before using the bathroom; 3) She thinks that fresh air smells funny; 4) He knows how to completely dissolve the bodies of his enemies.

            + When a chemist dies you should Ba.

            + Definition of “chemical”:  A substance that 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) An analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) A physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) A biochemist turns into a helix; and 5) A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

            + What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?  Never lick the spoon.

            + If Einstein had been a woman – Energy would equal milk chocolate square.

            + When considering the behavior of a cannon, a mathematician will try to calculate where the cannonball will land, a physicist will explain how the cannonball got there, and an engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

            +A biologist, statistician, and mathematician are on a photo-safari in Africa.  They stop to scan the horizon of the savannah with high-powered binoculars.  The biologist spots a herd of zebra and, in the middle of the herd, sees a white zebra.  He declares, “A white zebra!  What a fantastic find. We’ll be cited in all the scientific journals for discovering it.” The statistician counters, “It’s not significant. We only know there’s one white zebra.”  The mathematician corrects them both, “We only know there exists a zebra which is white on one side.”

            +Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

            +There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can’t.

            + Computer scientists think there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary math and those who don’t.

            + A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. 

 + A math professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.

 + The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematician is that the introvert mathematician looks at his shoes when speaking to you; the extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.

            + A mathematician believes nothing until it is proven. A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong. A chemist doesn’t care. And a biologist doesn’t understand the question.

               + Biologists think they are biochemists;

                   Biochemists think they are physical chemists;

                   Physical chemists think they are physicists;

                   Physicists think they are gods; and

                   God thinks he is a mathematician.

             + An engineer needs to measure the height of a flag pole with a measuring tape. The tape keeps falling down and the engineer is getting frustrated. A mathematician passes by, asks what’s happening and offers to help.  She removes the pole, places it on the ground and measures it easily. After she leaves the engineer says, “Just like a mathematician! I need to know the height and she gives me the length.”

            + TSA finds a bomb in the carry on luggage of a statistician. The statistician explains, “Statistics show that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1 in a 1000.  The chance of two bombs being on the same plane is 1 in a million.  So I’m really much safer.”

            + Statistics means you never have to say you’re certain.

            + A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an auditor.

            + The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few minutes after she has proved the result—just before someone finds the mistake.

            + The reason that every university and college have mathematics departments is because it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people.

            +Sign over the Mathematics Department door:  Don’t drink and derive.

For the Religious:

            +A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi were discussing the fragility of life and the question arose about their legacy after death.  Each was asked what they would like to hear mourners say as they viewed their remains before burial.  The minister said that he would like to hear mourners say that he had been a Good Shepherd to his flock, a caring member of the community, and a loving husband and father.  The priest said that he’d like to hear people say that he had been a caring pastor, a faithful follower of his religion, and a strong fund raiser.  The rabbi thinks a bit and then he says that he’d like to hear people say, “I think he’s moving!”

            + The Chief Rabbi is visiting with the Pope in Vatican City when the Rabbi sees a gold telephone on the Pontiff’s desk. “Is that what I think it is?” asks the Rabbi.  “Yes,” says the Pope, “It’s the direct line to God.  Do you want to use it?  It is rather expensive.”  The Rabbi says that he does.  After a three minute call, the Pope says, “That will be $3000.”  A year later the Pontiff is visiting the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem.  He spots a gold telephone on the Rabbi’s desk.  “Is that your direct line to God?” he asks.  The Rabbi say that yes it is and that the Pontiff is welcome to use it if he wishes.  After an hour on the phone, the Pope hangs up.  The Rabbi says, “That will be $1.87.”  The Pope is astounded.  “Why is it so inexpensive?” he asks.  The Rabbi answers, “Well here it’s only a local call.”

            + Heaven is where: the police are British; the mechanics are German; the cooks are French; the lovers are Italian; and the whole thing is organized by the Swiss.

+ Hell is where:  the police are German; the mechanics are French; the cooks are British; the lovers are Swiss; and the whole thing is organized by the Italians.

For Lawyers:

            +Lawyers are no joke.

           

* As seen in the 2013 Holiday "Signals" catalog.
Many of the jokes have come from more than one humor website. Most of these are not unique. I have edited or re-written some jokes. A few are original.  For more try searching "profession of your choice" and humor. [e.g.  "chemistry humor"] Enjoy your holiday!