I'm A Changed Woman

For the past several decades I have been trying to overcome my animal instincts while aiming my intellect towards the heavens; but no more. I’ve been bumped from Sagittarius and must now call myself an Ophiuchus, at least when I learn how to spell it. My new zodiac sign has been wedged in between Scorpio and Sagittarius. It is pronounced “oh few cuss.” I’ll wager more than a few Sagittarians are cussing about it.

A thirteenth zodiac sign has entered the picture. It is unclear whether the name is based on the ancient Egyptian responsible for the pyramids, Imhotep, or if the model for this constellation is the ancient Greek mythological healer, Asclepius. A quick search for information on Imhotep tells of his prowess as architect and builder. The Greeks and Romans borrowed him, associating Imhotep with their first "doctor" Asclepius. Obviously something was lost in the translation.

Greek mythology tells of Asclepius killing a snake that was about to attack him. A second snake enters the picture with a magical herb in its mouth. This snake administers the herb to the dead snake thereby reviving it. Dr. Asclepius appropriates the healing herb and brings all sorts of dead Greeks back to life thus rendering Hellenic Health Care insolvent. Asclepius found a way to make mankind immortal and Zeus wasn’t having any of that. Zeus renders Asclepius dead. Because only the Doc knew about the herb there is no one to bring him back to life. His manuscript “Magic Mushrooms and Medicinals They Don’t Want You to Know About” was destroyed in the ensuing lightning bolt. However all was not in vain; Zeus honors Asclepius by placing him in the heavens as a new constellation. [Apparently this is a big honor.] Both Imhotep and Asclepius are pictured holding two snakes. The modern symbol for this is the caduceus, symbol of the medical profession. Ophiuchus means serpent holder in classical Greek.

But what does Ophiuchus mean in 21st century English? Astrologers are divided as to whether or not they will even bother to include the 13th sign. It all depends on whether they follow the western tradition of a tropical zodiac governed by the seasons or the eastern tradition which is based on the constellations. Hey, Asclepius gave his all to become a constellation. The least the lazy louts can do is to acknowledge him. Astronomer [read, actually does the math] Parke Kunkle noticed that some time ago the Earth’s position has shifted relative to the Sun, thus adding to the original 12 zodiac signs denoted by the ancient Babylonians. Apparently all the stargazing newspaper astrologers never actually look at the stars, only at their paychecks.

No definitive characteristics have been assigned to the 13th zodiac sign. Some of the more resourceful stargazers are combining selected traits that belong to Scorpios and Sagittarians. Heretofore I have been idealistic, profound, trustworthy, witty, instinctive, and good at organizing. [Adieu.] As a Sagittarian I have also been described as optimistic , a lover of horses [very funny], strong willed [moi?], outspoken, rebellious, and quick to anger. Those of you who know me well know that the latter qualities are not the character traits of the Sagittarian you have come to know and love…

The new “Me” remains idealistic and intuitive while adding charismatic to the list. Supervisors will find me a joy to work with. [Show of hands from current and past supervisors who secretly feel Zeus had a point.] I will continue to pursue higher education, possibly with a view to starting career as architect. I understand that pyramid building is a lucrative, if somewhat chancy, profession--just ask Bernie Madoff. Or maybe I’ll become a doctor like Asclepius and heal the ills of mankind. New powers granted to the Ophiuchian include the ability to interpret dreams and have premonitions—handy for pyramid building. As an Ophiuchian I will demand absolute freedom to explore new ideas and to become a flamboyant dresser and a poet of some repute. My new life will be dedicated to a lifelong quest for knowledge and wisdom as I reach for the Stars, at least for their investment portfolios.

Of course, all is not perfect when a snake lurks in the grass. Ophiuchicans hate rules and do not suffer fools gladly. Expect sarcasm from my honeyed lips. There was some mention of a poison tongue. As an Ophiuchican I have the right to be arrogant, bored with the mundane, secretive and [spouse skip this part] a poor candidate for monogamous relationships. My “trust issues” prevent me from revealing more.

I am working hard to change from the modest moralist of Sagittarius. The “Real Me” has been a long time coming—approximately 3,000 years. One word of warning, you can totally forget about the snake handling stuff!