The University Brochure

I received a flyer in the mail today from the local university. The school advertises a new master degree program tailored for those over 65. Old students may enroll in the Pre-Senility Master of Old Age graduate program for credit towards their degree, or they may audit individual classes until it becomes necessary to make yearly minimum withdrawals on their 401k. If prospective students are institutionalized they may enroll in the distance learning program. This is an amazing opportunity, as the course listings will readily demonstrate, so forward this posting to your favorite senior citizen now!

Degree Requirements: Successful fulfillment of eight courses, a three-month practicum, and a thesis.

Required Courses:

• Physical Fitness (Pass/Fail) – Students will explore aerobic and anaerobic fitness. Proficiency in the following activities is required “Prescription Pill Container Physics”, “Dancing with Sore Bunions,” “The Peppermint Twist and Shout Back-out-of-Whack Tournament” “Bloodless Toe-nail Clipping” and “Facial Hair Removal without a Magnifying Mirror.” Independent study options depend on Medicare coverage plan.
  
• Tweeting and Texting – Students will tweet and text inane messages to other students until the entire class agree that face-to-face communication, letters, and phone calls are “a thing of the past.” Facebook and MySpace privacy issues will be addressed, then dismissed. Enlarging the number of cyber-friends and family is the goal. Annoying emoticon creation required.
  
• Buster’s Memory Boosters – A favorite course taught by award winning faculty member Beta Amyloid Buster. Strategies for keeping the old noggin sharp include Suduko, Crosswords, Solitaire, and Logic Puzzles. Professor Buster offers priority registration to students who confuse grandchildren’s names and/or who forget their anniversary. The location of the classroom changes for each session so that students with perfect attendance receive an automatic “A.” Pre-requisite: Remembering what you came into the classroom for.

Electives (Choose Five):

• Spending All Your Money – Students will devise a plan to spend all of their children’s inheritance before probate. Those who demonstrate they can do it on the very day of their death receive extra credit.
• De-Clutter Now! – Local psychiatric social workers team up to teach this class. Rules of Disengagement for your valuable collectibles, tattered letters, odd sized screws, photographs with heads cut off, clothes that will never fit, and refrigerated leftovers will be explored. Really, really important pieces of paper will be shredded for the final examination.
  
• Buster’s Memory Boosters – A favorite course taught by award winning faculty member Beta Amyloid Buster. Strategies for keeping the old noggin sharp include Suduko, Crosswords, Solitaire, and Logic Puzzles. Professor Buster offers priority registration to students who confuse grandchildren’s names and/or who forget their anniversary. The location of the classroom changes for each session so that students with perfect attendance receive an automatic “A.” Pre-requisite: Remembering what you came into the classroom for.
  
• Medication Slice and Dice – The high cost of keeping healthy just got cheaper when students learn to cut pills, skip doses, and avoid the donut hole. Extra credit for those students who can correctly sort all medications into their weekly dosage containers before dinner.
  
• Buster’s Memory Boosters – A favorite course taught by award winning faculty member Beta Amyloid Buster. Strategies for keeping the old noggin sharp include Suduko, Crosswords, Solitaire, and Logic Puzzles. Professor Buster offers priority registration to students who confuse grandchildren’s names and/or who forget their anniversary. The location of the classroom changes for each session so that students with perfect attendance receive an automatic “A. Pre-requisite: Remembering what you came into the classroom for.
  
• Buster’s Memory Boosters – A favorite course taught by award winning faculty member Beta Amyloid Buster. Strategies for keeping the old noggin sharp include Suduko, Crosswords, Solitaire, and Logic Puzzles. Professor Buster offers priority registration to students who confuse grandchildren’s names and/or who forget their anniversary. The location of the classroom changes for each session so that students with perfect attendance receive an automatic “A.” Pre-requisite: Remembering what you came into the classroom for.
  
• Conversation Ice-Breakers- How many illnesses, medications and conditions can the student introduce into conversations with friends, family and complete strangers? Specific strategies for dining, bridge, golf, grocery check-out lines, chance meetings, and other social gatherings will be designed to suit every situation. Students should come with a complete list of their “pre-existing conditions” on the first day of class.
  
• Practicum – Advisor permission required, in writing. Explore the “Good Old Days” in a meaningful manner. Students will spend three months in the local high school interacting with teens and teachers. Documentation of student’s reminiscence, lamentations, complaints, and helpful suggestions will be required. Multi-media preferred. The university will not be held responsible for fines, imprisonment, hospitalization fees, or damage to property.

Thesis (Required):
Each student is required to write, present, and defend a thesis. The topic has been determined by the university and is the same for all students. The thesis topic is Learning to Love Irrelevancy. This topic is non-negotiable. Creative and meaningful responses to the Irrelevancy of Old Age will explore topics like:

• “I paid the mortgage on our modest home on time and in full. Why do I have to bail out unqualified debtors in foreclosure?”
  
• “We purchased our fuel efficient automobile ten years ago so where’s my ‘cash for clunkers’—or is the car not the ‘clunker’?”
  
• “Medicare and Medicaid are not equivalent—did you know that?”
  
• “Where is that Money Tree my grown-up children think we have?”
  
• “My deadbeat brother-in-law owes me a bundle I’ll never see. Am I eligible for TARP benefits?”
  
• “If I were an AIG executive, how would I spend my Christmas bonus?”
  
• “My cemetery plot is ‘shovel ready.’ When can I expect the government’s stimulus money?”
  
• "Explore the movitations behind writing a blog no one ever reads."
• “Blackberry is not a fruit. Should the President IM anyone over 30? Do I care?”

Students should send thesis proposals to their advisors before the completion of their final course. You advisor will get back to you eventually.

Evaluation of irrelevancy will be determined by the Death Panel, whose decision will be final.