It’s high time Madison Avenue took advantage of the
Shakespeare Brand. Of course there have
been a plethora of books over the centuries, fiction and non-fiction. There is a Shakespeare bobble-head figure and
some queer looking square teapots and fussy tea cozies. I will admit to owning
a William Shakespeare switch plate. These things are PEANUTS! The time is well
past due to make real money on the
good old Bard.
Merchandize, franchise, animated films and video
games—that’s where my fortune will be made!
Consequently I propose the following enterprises. Call for a complete list of royalty and
licensing fees. Nothing is beneath me.
Animated movies with their lucrative licensed merchandise
are a great place to start. Picture all
those little darlings singing the movie’s theme song, wearing adorable outfits,
buying action figures (costumes extra) and filling their rooms with other movie
inspired items. A Midsummer Night’s Dream awards the wise filmmaker who comes up with
an enchanting feature length cartoon/film, complete with an entire line of
associated products. Little girls
wearing gossamer outfits, Lady Gaga singing the catchy theme based on
Mendelssohn’s Wedding March, and boys donning mighty Oberon’s magic robes. Envision
Titania figurines and stuffed “Bottoms”—the possibilities are unlimited.
Animators, imagine Beatrice and Benedick romping through
garden and banquet hall, singing of the single-life and surprising love.
[Accessories sold separately.] I wonder if we couldn’t move the story to an
undersea coral garden and have a charming Little Serving Wench sing Much Ado to You and You at their wedding
which would be set in a sea of multicolored kelp? [Florida theme park
developers copy.] DREAM BIG—the Bard wrote fourteen comedies!
Expand the experience. A planned trilogy based on the
Wars of the Roses and/or the French Wars would delight, not only animated film
fans, but also video gamers. Which Henry
will your son want to be? Richard III must be included too. Extra points for
unhorsing him! Heck, maybe six films and
associated games for the histories alone.
Video games are gold.
In addition to the Henrys, how about a romp through the Forest of Arden
for the kiddies, or action games like Midsummer Mummies and the ever popular
Titus Andronicus? There’s money to be
made as Macbeth and the Three Witches fight to gain and keep a kingdom. Wouldn’t Romeo make a great vampire? BARD
GAMES, available for all game consoles.
Think $$$!
Licensed soliloquy heads make great Christmas gifts. Hamlet’s head will
sprout “To be or not to be…,” and Henry V’s “This day is called the feast of
St. Crispian…” will echo through the winter’s night. Portia can be heard to speak “The quality of
mercy is not strain’d…,” while Romeo declares “But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?” It will be
wonderful to hear your children mimic Mark Antony’s, “Friends, Romans, countrymen…”
or Macbeth’s “Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand…?”
or Lady Mac’s “Out, damned spot! out, I say...” A mashup of the Three Witches would make a
great birthday present: “Thrice the
brindled cat hath mew’d, et al.” (Eye of
newt extra.) Just think how conversation
at family meals will be enriched. Baby Boomers can delight in dis-inheriting
their children as Lear spouts “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth…” while they
spend the kids’ inheritance. Collect them
all: HEAD ROLES: Educational, Fun and
Great for Parties.
No one could resist this merchandising scheme: Pithy quotes to go along with that expensive cup
of morning java? Read them while sipping
your double extra latte-cappuccino - “Some
rise by sin, and some by virtue fall,” “He that dies pays all debts,” “Many a
good hanging prevents a bad marriage,” “Tis ever common that men are merriest
when they are from home,” “For There was never yet philosopher that could
endure the toothache patiently,” “You lack the season of all natures, sleep,”
and “I like this place, And willingly could waste my time in it.” JAVA EYE-POPPERS, licensed of course.
[Perhaps we could find some lighter fare to adorn a kiddie meal cup of sugared
soda?]
Afternoon coffee breaks will become fun, collegial
exchanges when cup quotes stimulate conversation with their “SHAKES OF THE DAY”
messages: “Men have died from time to
time and worms have eaten them, but not for love,” “Hell is empty, And all the
devils are here,” “O beware, my lord, the green-eyed monster which doth mock
the meat it feeds on…,” “And do as adversaries do in law, strive mightily, but
eat and drink as friends,” “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft
loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry,” or “If
one good deed in all my life I did, I do repent it from my very soul.” I assure you, the office will be buzzing.
New companies will form:
The Sir John Falstaff Weight Loss Program, Portia’s Bail Bond Services, or
Lady Mac’s Out, Out, Damned Spot Cleaners franchise. Plan your next event with As You Like It
Catering; Visit Prospero’ Magic Island Water Park; Shop at Twelfth Night Party
Goods for your next event; find the perfect mate on Romeo and Juliet’s eMatch,
and, if that doesn’t work out, call King Lear’s Family Law for a quote.
Keep those royalties rolling in! Who can resist
collectible bric-a-brac? Every home
should have cute salt & pepper sets, bathroom towels, plates, and pillow
cases depicting legendary Shakespearean lovers:
Petruchio and Katharina, Rosalind and Orlando, Antony and Cleopatra,
Titania and Bottom, Othello and the lovely Desdemona. Well, maybe you should
think twice about the Othello bed pillows and the Petruchio plates.
Seriously, the time has come to cash in on this Bard of
Avon thing. [BOAT LLC] Hey, that’s a
great name for my merchandising empire!
Call me.
[Sorry, Will. You’re not going to get a brass farthing
from BOAT LLC, but Happy Birthday anyway.]
